LAUGH
Dating in 2020 is all about swiping, matching, and sliding your way into someone’s DMs. It is also about crafting the perfect profile description that pushes the boundary between fact and fiction. But what if teachers actually told the truth about themselves on dating platforms? Here is what profile descriptions would look like if teachers were 100% honest.
Katie, 31
I LOVE reading books that aren’t written for 3rd graders, weekends with no papers to grade, that just-got-out-of-work Friday feeling, and spending more than 2 hours off of my feet. Interested in finding someone who enjoys my school stories, lets me cry, and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.
Brittany, 25
Likes: office supplies, the dollar bin at Target, and good listening ears
Dislikes: blurting, meetings that could have been an email, any activity that goes past 9 p.m., people who hit “reply all”
Political party: don’t even get me started on Betsy DeVos
Tim, 25
Loves: Coffee, markers that work, silence, spring, summer & winter break, kids that listen
Hates: copy machines, pencil sharpeners, unannounced observations, testing, uncomfortable shoes
Amanda, 23
I’m looking for a man who will pack my lunches every night and hold me while I complain about another parent email from my room mom. I’m also looking for someone who makes a decent salary, listens to my proud teacher moments, and lifts me up when I feel like quitting.
Nia, 28
Honestly, take me to a restaurant that doesn’t have a drive-thru and I’ll be happy. If we can actually sit down and eat a meal without someone interrupting me to make-up a test, you get bonus points.
Matt, 29
I’m a Middle School Social Studies teacher who has the patience to chaperone 80 kids on a field trip for 6 hours straight. When I’m not grading papers, I love to get outdoors, cook a meal that doesn’t need to be microwaved, and do tastings at local breweries (don’t tell my students!).
Kelly, 22
Last…
Thing I ate: a stale donut from the faculty lounge
Movie I watched: Frozen 2
Song I listened to: Schoolhouse Rock’s “I’m Just a Bill”
Vacation I Took: I stayed at a Residence Inn for some PD. Does that count?
Trina, 27
Erin Condren > the Happy Planner
Dunkin’ Donuts coffee > Starbucks’ coffee (don’t @ me)
Noise = good collaboration
Flair pens < InkJoys
Trevon, 32
Teacher by day, Uber Eats driver by night (thanks to my awesome teacher salary.) I teach math, so don’t worry, I won’t be correcting your grammar and I’ll take care of calculating the tip on our dinner dates. That is when I don’t fall asleep before 7 pm.
Georgia, 27
Looking for someone to help me set up my classroom in August heat for the years to come!
Likes include:
- Cricut machines
- Sleeping in late
- Jeans days
- Passing out on the couch at 7 p.m.
Felipe, 24
Want to know what it’s like to date a celebrity? I’m your closest chance of experiencing it. I can’t go anywhere without one of my students yelling my name, even if I put on a hoody and sunglasses. So if you enjoy going on dates out of town in dark places, we’re a perfect match.
Tiffany, 22
Superpowers:
- Stopping someone with just one look
- Remaining calm in times of absolute mayhem
- Identifying talkers without having to turn around.
Weaknesses:
- Accidentally falling asleep at an unbelievably early hour
- Being unable to resist any type of sweets around 2 p.m.
- Overextending myself with after school commitments
DeAndre, 28
I teach kindergarten so I’m good with kids, cleaning up messes, singing, dancing, crafts, story time, and multitasking like you’ve never seen in your life. Fair warning though, I’m kind of exhausted all the time.
Laura, 23
If laminating were an Olympic sport, I’d hold the world record. My Pinterest board looks like a goddamn masterpiece and I’m regularly in the top 10 of my subject on Teachers Pay Teachers. If my classroom looks this good on a teacher’s budget, imagine what our future house would look like!
Marcus, 30
I have 100s of tiny humans I call my kids. I know every new and trending fad. There isn’t an odor I haven’t smelled, a slang word I haven’t heard, or a Fortnite dance I haven’t seen.
Shanice, 26
When I asked my students what I should write for this dating profile, they told me to say,“Looking for someone who takes me to Chipotle and will ALWAYS pay for the extra for guac.”
So there you have it. Will you always pay for my extra guacamole?
