LAUGH
Dear Sub,
Thank you so much for watching my classes while I am curled up in the fetal position recovering from the plague that one of my beloved munchkins gave me. Below, you will find some instructions on how best to go about your day.
1. Keep the tiny humans alive!
Hey… it’s okay if you don’t get through all of my plans. It’s okay if you don’t even get to half of them. As long as all of my students walk out of the classroom with all of their limbs intact, you have done an excellent job!
2. I put these lesson plans together when I was frantically dying and sweating profusely at my desk.
Please don’t judge me from the plans I left you. I promise that my lessons are normally the stuff that dreams are made of, but it was hard enough to put a damn sentence together when my body felt like it had been set on fire.
3. Please tell me you are a wannabe actress from L.A. because we need some improvisation up in here!
You have a very captive audience watching your every move. If you’ve got a certain talent or special activity you want to share with the kids, be my guest! As long as you don’t do anything that will result in my inbox being flooded with emails from angry parents, you are fine to do your thang.
4. Don’t believe anything these kids tell you.
Look… I love my students, but they can smell fresh blood from a mile away. Please know that they aren’t always allowed to work together or play games on their iPhones. If it sounds suspicious, it’s because it is!
5. I don’t really care about the detailed notes you take regarding each of my classes.
Did you have the students do some stuff on the list? Did most of the students stay on task? I need to know of any major incidents that happened, but I certainly don’t need a play by play of the day. I appreciate you taking the time to provide me with so much detail, but I just need a summary, not the whole damn script.
6. You will be freezing all day long.
Surprise! My room feels like hell froze over and you aren’t allowed to touch the thermostat in the other room! The good news is that your metabolism will work overtime as you freeze your butt off, so you can thank me for your summer bod later.
7. Little Timmy will try to lick the glue. This is normal.
Please keep your eye on our dear friend, but don’t be too alarmed. This behavior is completely typical. Just watch him like a hawk so he doesn’t have to be escorted to the nurse after consuming too much Elmer’s.
8. I left my phone number in case of an emergency, but don’t text, call, Snapchat, Instagram, or carrier pigeon me under any circumstance.
I was just trying to be nice and it was a formality. Please do not text me in the middle of the day to ask where something is. My co-teacher will be happy to assist but I will chuck my phone across the room if I see your name pop up on my screen. I don’t need to be bothered while I am silently berating the child who made me make these plans and use one of my precious days.
